I walk down the path. The trees bowing over me in an arc of cool shade as beams of sunlight pierce the branches and strike my face like a picket fence. I can feel the slight heat of the beams of light contrasting the coolness of my skin in the fading afternoon. I follow the winding trail through the whispering woods, stepping in time to the music in my earphones. It’s getting chilly and I roll my sleeves down and cross my arms to tuck my hands under them. The wind is starting to pick up and nip at me through my thermal shirt. Chills begin to run up my spine and goosebumps grow on my skin. But the cold doesn’t stop me from moving ahead. Drawn to something I know not of, I press on with an eagerness I’ve never felt before. I have to get there. I have to be there as soon as possible. But where and why I cannot tell you. It’s as magnetic and powerful as anything I’ve ever felt. Like water to a sponge I’m drawn closer and into what lies ahead. I can see a distant glimmer of light which appears to be an opening. As I grow nearer I can begin to see the faint outlines of a figure I can not yet recognize. It is a woman and she has long flowing hair. Like fire it flows from her head in all directions. As the clearing grows closer my eyes follow her outline as it curves it’s way down her body, over her shoulders, down around her hips and along her legs. My heart skips a beat causing me to clutch my chest and stumble, almost falling to the ground. But, I catch myself and lengthen my strides. The clearing is before me and as I step out of the cool dense trees and into the warm open clearing time stops, or at least if feels like it. Everything is in slow motion. Seconds turn to minutes and minutes to hours as I watch life slowly pass me by. She grows closer to me but all I see is a beautiful black figure, her gentle movement gliding her along the ground towards me. As she gets closer she slowly reaches her hand out to me. I take it in mine as she comes to me, our hands falling together to our sides, both hands now holding each others. Our bodies close and warm with lips mere inches apart, she releases my hand, slowly and lovingly putting hers against my cheek. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of her hand as her energy flows into my face, causing me to smile with delight. She laughs and smiles back at me. Even with my eyes closed I can see her now in my mind. I can feel ever bit of her presence around me. Her hand runs from my cheek down towards and over my lips, pausing momentarily with a single finger. And as she pulls her finger away I am blessed with a kiss that is soft, passionate and full of sweet love. My face goes weak and I can do nothing but breathe in and sigh deeply. Her warmth now begins to increase, heating my lips and hands and continuing into my body. I can feel the hot energy circulating around me and into my skin, deep into my bones. It is then that she presses her body into mine and puts her arms around me, holding me tight. My arms fall around hers and wrap around her shoulders and back, holding her as we kiss. The heat is so intense now that I feel like I may burn up but at the same time I feel as if this heat, this fire is protecting me. A safe and impenetrable cocoon of fire and love, and everything else in this world disappears. Within this light all I see is beauty and life. All I feel is love and pure joy. All around me and constantly flowing, it surges through me giving me life and a sense of belonging. It’s in this embrace that we travel through the stars and the heavens, in each others arms and perpetual. This is my love.
Happiness grows all around me. It is in the earth and in the sky. It starts as a gift, as a sprout, an idea in your mind. Nurtured by love and joy it continues to grow. Like a vine it reaches out to all that is around it and holds on tight, wrapping its tiny fingers and arms around me. It caresses my skin and tickles my hairs as it climbs its way up my body. Wrapping around my chest and every limb it envelopes me in a cocoon of warmth and comfort as it begins to cover me completely. I know no fear or concern. I only know this moment, this little piece of time that is all my own. And as it begins to cover my neck and work up my head I can see the night sky begin to darken. Its golden, crimson and violet light begins to fade to a soft glow and the stars come out to play. The moon’s sharp crescent hangs like a soft white mobile in the night sky. Like a mothers watchful eye it gazes down upon me. The air around me becomes cool and crisp as I breathe it into my lungs, reminding me of the moment I am in, reminding me that this is a world in which the present moment is most precious. Can anything be as good as this? Can anything begin to compare to the joy and love I feel as I sit on my mother earth, among her children at play and in this present moment? I lay back as the vines of love fully engulf me and take me into them. My eyes close but I can still see the world around me. I can feel it, hear it and smell it. The cool night air and the soft grass beneath me, the soft whistle of the wind brushing against the leaves in the trees and the grass on the ground, and sweet smell of summer, nature and everything around me. This world is within me. It is me. I am within this beautiful universe and it is within me. I sense everything at once and am overwhelmed with emotion. Tears of joy well up in my eyes and I burst out with laughter. I feel her touch and her warm hand. She is my love, my guide and my teacher. Mother earth and the universe are around me and they are my greatest inspiration and biggest source of love and joy. I honor them and thank them for giving me life. I love them back and keep them in my heart and mind for all eternity. We are one and together we are love. Friendship is joy, joy is love and love is happiness. Happiness grows all around me.
I am standing in a room lit by yellowish fluorescent lights and smelling of stark clay-like silt. I have no idea where I am but it doesn’t feel natural. I am facing an off white wall with a dark wood railing a few feet in front of me along with a dusty old desk with cheap wood laminate that’s stained with what looks like coffee rings and pen ink. My vision is clear to the center of my sight but all around my peripheral it is dark and shadowy. I cannot look around. I can only face forward and down a little. It is silent, as usual, and in a sudden yet undeterminable moment I sense and realize that there is a long steel pin running into my mouth and straight through my right cheek. I have no idea how it got there or when it happened but what I do know is the odd pain of shock and cold sensation of metal in my mouth is real. The metallic taste in my mouth could either be from the slightly rusted pin in my face or the traces of blood trickling out of the interior of the wound. My face feels mildly paralyzed and dumb but my hands are free and I reach to pull out the foreign object. As I begin to pull I feel the tug of friction between the rusty pin and my skin and then the pain comes. Fast and hard, it hits me like a hammer to my face. It’s a searing, burning pain mixed with cold, dull ache and it is almost unbearable. My face contorts and I try to tense my face and cheek muscles in order to apply some resistance to the tugging of the pin as I pull it out. It feels like it’s taking forever, as if the steel pin were 10 feet long. Hand over hand I pull. Tears are streaming down my face as I dry-heave from the pain. And at the moment when the pin reaches its end and I pull it free I feel a popping sensation as my wound bursts from within and fills my mouth with putrid blood so fast that spurts of it fly forth and splatter on a newly seen folded piece of white paper on the desk. I was expecting relief and a release from the grip of pain but instead I am now filled with horror. I have no idea why mouth is gushing with blood at the rate it is and in a natural reaction I open mouth to spit out the contents of what now feels like coagulated blood. It won’t seem to end and stop coming out. I can taste it now. Sour and acrid with a metallic taste like rotten juice from a rusty tin cup from 100 years ago. My cheeks are still bulging with liquid that is now a thick saliva like texture as I look down and see clearly what is coming from my mouth. It looks like old dark blood from a hospital floor. Black and burgundy with what looks like chunks of tissue and mucus. I am revolted at the sight of what came out of me and that is when I realize it is no longer pouring out of me. My mouth is raw and sore but at least it is empty. The taste and texture of week old blood still lines my mouth. I put my hands on the desk to hold myself as I try to catch my breath and as I look up slightly I notice the folded piece of paper with a single splotch of blackish blood on it. And then I notice little wisps of chemical smoke coming up from the spot where there is now a hole as if my sputum were burning through it like sulfuric acid. My mind twists in confusion and an even greater sense of horror as I mentally scramble to understand what is happening. And as I begin to fade into a frightful unconsciousness I wake up with a jolt…
I am lying on my back on a grassy hill in a warm summer night. The sky is a deep dark blue as it turns to night from a golden dusk. The silence of the evening is only broken by the sound of my breath as I sigh with content. I close my eyes and wander the universe of my mind. Something tells me to open my eyes and as I look up I see the silhouette of a massive jet flying slowly overhead. Moving slowly and silently as if were suspended by wire, it follows its path over me. I watch it intently as my eyes track backwards till my head has to turn up to see it progress. And as I sit up to turn my head and look I notice the dark building a few feet away from me. It’s a large rectangular building of only about five stories in height. Dull light glows from inside its large paned windows but no one is inside. Like an empty school it has a sense of forgotten purpose, only there to be filled and emptied again. I stand up slowly to watch the craft fly over the school to the point where I am unable to see it anymore. I start to walk around the building so I can follow the airliner and as I walk through the silent night air I can feel the warm breeze hit my face and body. My skin breathes it in along with all of my other senses and it relaxes all of me. Again I close my eyes for a moment as I walk beside the dimly lit structure so as to feel ever wisp and every lick of summer night air against me. I couldn’t be more at ease in this world. And as I open my eyes once more near the corner of the building and round it I look up and catch what looks like a last glimpse of the plane disappearing into the dark night sky. The only light around anymore is a dull but pulsing glow of reddish-amber light coming up from the edge of the earth. Like a curved viewing deck on a skyscraper it extends out over the boundary. I walk towards it and reach out for the railing and as I touch it I feel a surge of energy course through me from my hand to my head and down through my heart into my stomach, legs and feet. Its heat and electricity cause my skin to tingle and my hairs to raise as if lightening were to strike. Sensing again the voice of the universe I listen closely. It whispers to me. And to that whisper I answer and look up into the night sky. It is then I see a faint glimmer of a star. Twinkling and glowing as it slowly falls. And as it descends it begins to grow larger and brighter, changing from a bright white to iridescent blue to a deep glowing purple and cycling back again. It breaks up into pieces and glitters down like fireworks with brilliant colors all around it. Changing from violet to orange to fiery red and all the while flashing with a brilliance that is unmatched in anything my human eyes have ever seen. I’m in awe. Its beauty and radiance is so hypnotizing that I could have been standing there watching for hours. Days and weeks even. But again this world has no time. No location or name. It is my dream. My world within my world. And as the light and energy slowly make their way down I can feel its heat pass by me and radiate all around me. The glow and pulse of the colors and light bouncing off and illuminate my face to reveal a comforted smile. I lean over the edge as far as I can to watch the trailing lights trickle down over the edge of the earth, its light blending and becoming one with the glow of red and orange emanating from below me. A sense of sadness begins to fill my heart as I realize that it will disappear any moment. But again the universe whispers to me. Softly and with a gentle voice it tells me to not be sad. All things come and go in our world but in the vast expanse of the galaxies and our universe nothing ever truly leaves us. It always was there and always will be. If not in our eyes, forever in our hearts, minds and imaginations. We as humans are blessed with the gift of memory and sensation. Two things that will always connect us with things we have lost. But they are not lost. They are with us. They always have and always will be.
The hiss of the pneumatic doors opening in front wake me from my daydream and give way to a long corridor. The dim glow and pulse of recessed LEDs and control panels offers most of the light available. A dull low hum of generators and massive engines soften the space around me. I move eforward with a lazy pace. I’m comfortable and I know these dark passages well. As with eyes closes I pass thought towards the next door. Sensing my presence the door whooshes open and shows me the way. And on the other side lays the stars. A blanket of brilliance is all I can see through the massive viewing pane. I feel small and insignificant not only within this massive ship but among these infinite stars. The points of light slowly gliding by as the massive ship hurls through space at a seemingly motionless rate. It’s then that I realize two things. One: I’m not breathing, but holding my breath in awe, and two: you are not with me. Innumerable light years back and ages ago, I left you. Back on our home planet and within the warm winter comfort of our home I told you I loved you. I told you that you meant more to me than life itself and that I hope you could find it in your heart to forgive me for leaving you. No more words. Just the longest hug and kiss goodbye next to the burning hearth as the winter night sky fell silently around us in snow. I will never forget that moment and the pain and sorrow I felt knowing that I might never see you again. Never see our child within you. My heart broke that night and has been aching silently for the last 7 years. But this vast expanse of space does something to you. It instills a kind of peace and tranquility that is known to many a lost sailor at sea. A feeling of solemn peace amidst a long lost and forgotten destination. I honestly cannot remember why I chose to come on this mission or even why and where it’s going. I just know I’m here and there’s nothing I can do but continue along this silent and dark river on this seemingly rudderless boat.
My slipstream of consciousness flows from my mind. Out into the skies and across the seas. Moving in a peculiar fashion it swirls and soars in an endless dance with no destination. Getting lost in the vast expanse of our abstract world. My mind travels near and far outwards from within. And this, this is when I can fly. To the highest heavens and through the deepest seas. Effortlessly and with no less than infinite joy. I always bring you with me. I always share this realm with you. And hand in hand. Arm in arm. We fly. A bridge of souls and hope. The power produced and the energy felt within us is that of a million stars. Those same stars we loop through and play amongst. They are calling us to them. Out into the endless expanse. To never die and to never return. Only to love and be loved. Infinitely aligned with each other and those we love. This is my journey. This is my love, hope and dreams. Simple and serene. Honest and true.
Drops of cold water tap my cheek, running down my face, waking me from my dream. My eyes slowly open and I find myself alone. The silence and emptiness around me hugs me with cool neutral arms. I try to close my eyes again and return to my dream but I am too cold to sleep. The shivers in my body reminding me that I am still alive in a sickening way. I wish for more of my dream. It was such a wonderful dream. I was home and I was warm. I could float and I could see forever. Everything was beautiful with the glow of the love of the universe and I was a part of it. The energy coursed through me with ever step and moment that passed. But now I am awake again in this humble reality. It too is beautiful but it is so very different. So very real. Unlike my dream which is just that. A dream. Even in its warmth and comfort it is still just an intangible fantasy. And as my mind grows clearer and returns to real life I fully wake. I pull myself up and see the light. Quickly and suddenly the light fills the once dark void. I squint my eyes but I can soon see again. I see it all. All around me is what I know is real. My family. My friends. My happiness and courage. It never really left. It has always been there and always will be. The skies. The oceans. The universe. Always was, is and will be just as I always was, am and will be. Strong and full of meaning. Sacred and beautiful. Human.