Carrying my moderately heavy and slightly overstuffed bag through the streets while dodging the vacant vessels of skin and bones is making a small bead of sweat form on my brow and a tiny ember of rage grow in the pit of my stomach. Everywhere seems like uphill right now and at that moment I remind myself of what I’m headed towards. Holding a rock in one hand and pushing against a hard place with the other, I’m walking towards a tiny hidden locker of uncertainty and half-truths. A place that’s cozy and warm but cut off from the world I know and should be a part of. The combination of pushing two worlds away from each other along with my mind and heart splitting apart is bringing me excruciating inner pain. The hot sweat gathering where my duffel rubs and rests on my back is becoming uncomfortable and annoying so I shift the strap further across my collar and skip a bit to jostle the bag into a new position.
I crest what seems like a hill but is likely my mind coming to ease as I generally get a hold of some calmness and map out my route through the narrow streets. I have this odd urge to always walk what seems the quickest way from A to B and this probably attributes to many of my lapses of ‘walk-rage’ but I’ve also found that the rhythmic roll of electronic drums and square base bring me comfort and pace in my strides. The only distraction from my auditory blinders is the clattering bell of the tram as it warns me only a few meters away of its imminent monstrous approach. A flash in my mind occurs on the validity of the brakes on the old rusty car hauling by me. I can almost hear each individual bolt, screw and rivet creak and bend as it whittles its corroded self down to slivers wondrously holding the carriage together in a cacophony of shuttering scrap metal. Perhaps the heap would crumble around me if it were ever to attempt to run me down. Sometimes I silently thank the mayhem of the outside world for butting into my stream of conscious white noise and reminding of where I need to turn.
I’m at your street and heading down towards your flat. It’s mere meters from the corner and as I step up to the main entrance door downstairs and ring the bell I am overcome with nervousness and anxiety. After a few seconds I am buzzed in and as my spirited strides carry me up the lung-burning stairs to the top floor I hear the chink of the door lock open followed by only the sound of my boots dusty heels pushing off of each stair in time to the light hiss of drum beats emanating from my earphones resting around my neck. I’m rounding the last mezzanine to your apartment and as I come to the door I’m looking up at you, your face alight with joy and excitement along with a sense of relief that I’m finally there. Nothing makes me feel more welcome, more expected and more needed. All residual negativity melts away from my tired soul and I say hello, kiss your cheeks and then embrace you kissing your warm neck and smelling your soft skin. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this place and this feeling. But no longer. I am finally home…
I walk down the path. The trees bowing over me in an arc of cool shade as beams of sunlight pierce the branches and strike my face like a picket fence. I can feel the slight heat of the beams of light contrasting the coolness of my skin in the fading afternoon. I follow the winding trail through the whispering woods, stepping in time to the music in my earphones. It’s getting chilly and I roll my sleeves down and cross my arms to tuck my hands under them. The wind is starting to pick up and nip at me through my thermal shirt. Chills begin to run up my spine and goosebumps grow on my skin. But the cold doesn’t stop me from moving ahead. Drawn to something I know not of, I press on with an eagerness I’ve never felt before. I have to get there. I have to be there as soon as possible. But where and why I cannot tell you. It’s as magnetic and powerful as anything I’ve ever felt. Like water to a sponge I’m drawn closer and into what lies ahead. I can see a distant glimmer of light which appears to be an opening. As I grow nearer I can begin to see the faint outlines of a figure I can not yet recognize. It is a woman and she has long flowing hair. Like fire it flows from her head in all directions. As the clearing grows closer my eyes follow her outline as it curves it’s way down her body, over her shoulders, down around her hips and along her legs. My heart skips a beat causing me to clutch my chest and stumble, almost falling to the ground. But, I catch myself and lengthen my strides. The clearing is before me and as I step out of the cool dense trees and into the warm open clearing time stops, or at least if feels like it. Everything is in slow motion. Seconds turn to minutes and minutes to hours as I watch life slowly pass me by. She grows closer to me but all I see is a beautiful black figure, her gentle movement gliding her along the ground towards me. As she gets closer she slowly reaches her hand out to me. I take it in mine as she comes to me, our hands falling together to our sides, both hands now holding each others. Our bodies close and warm with lips mere inches apart, she releases my hand, slowly and lovingly putting hers against my cheek. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of her hand as her energy flows into my face, causing me to smile with delight. She laughs and smiles back at me. Even with my eyes closed I can see her now in my mind. I can feel ever bit of her presence around me. Her hand runs from my cheek down towards and over my lips, pausing momentarily with a single finger. And as she pulls her finger away I am blessed with a kiss that is soft, passionate and full of sweet love. My face goes weak and I can do nothing but breathe in and sigh deeply. Her warmth now begins to increase, heating my lips and hands and continuing into my body. I can feel the hot energy circulating around me and into my skin, deep into my bones. It is then that she presses her body into mine and puts her arms around me, holding me tight. My arms fall around hers and wrap around her shoulders and back, holding her as we kiss. The heat is so intense now that I feel like I may burn up but at the same time I feel as if this heat, this fire is protecting me. A safe and impenetrable cocoon of fire and love, and everything else in this world disappears. Within this light all I see is beauty and life. All I feel is love and pure joy. All around me and constantly flowing, it surges through me giving me life and a sense of belonging. It’s in this embrace that we travel through the stars and the heavens, in each others arms and perpetual. This is my love.
Drops of cold water tap my cheek, running down my face, waking me from my dream. My eyes slowly open and I find myself alone. The silence and emptiness around me hugs me with cool neutral arms. I try to close my eyes again and return to my dream but I am too cold to sleep. The shivers in my body reminding me that I am still alive in a sickening way. I wish for more of my dream. It was such a wonderful dream. I was home and I was warm. I could float and I could see forever. Everything was beautiful with the glow of the love of the universe and I was a part of it. The energy coursed through me with ever step and moment that passed. But now I am awake again in this humble reality. It too is beautiful but it is so very different. So very real. Unlike my dream which is just that. A dream. Even in its warmth and comfort it is still just an intangible fantasy. And as my mind grows clearer and returns to real life I fully wake. I pull myself up and see the light. Quickly and suddenly the light fills the once dark void. I squint my eyes but I can soon see again. I see it all. All around me is what I know is real. My family. My friends. My happiness and courage. It never really left. It has always been there and always will be. The skies. The oceans. The universe. Always was, is and will be just as I always was, am and will be. Strong and full of meaning. Sacred and beautiful. Human.