The last time I checked there was no one behind me and I haven’t seen a single car pass by. I’ve been hauling down this old dark road in the middle of the night in an old 60’s cadillac for as long as my mind allows me to remember. I’m comfortable like a captain on his ship, steering with one hand and a light touch, my eyes half closed. Like the hypnotic waves of the sea I watch the center lines run up and slip by in trance. The landscape around me is nothing more than silhouettes racing by as they underline a navy-blue dusk sky. Above me are a blanket of countless stars that are unmoving in the sky even as everything around me seems to go by at a mindless and blurry pace. I forget where I’m even going not to mention where I came from. But I savor this moment when nothing is known and nothing matters. A moment in which I just am. It’s me and the road and I’m driving this motherfucker. On this empty road to nowhere is where I feel at home. Like a migrant bird I travel by instinct, letting my inner compass take me where my soul needs to go. The irony of it all is that where I feel I need to be is in a transient place. No home and no roots, only forever in a changing loop of motion. From one place to the next I travel on this desert planet in a perpetual night, always chasing the dying sunlight on the horizon. It’s on this endless highway that I belong and it is on this endless highway that I will always be. Always moving and ways searching but for what I might never know.
Happiness grows all around me. It is in the earth and in the sky. It starts as a gift, as a sprout, an idea in your mind. Nurtured by love and joy it continues to grow. Like a vine it reaches out to all that is around it and holds on tight, wrapping its tiny fingers and arms around me. It caresses my skin and tickles my hairs as it climbs its way up my body. Wrapping around my chest and every limb it envelopes me in a cocoon of warmth and comfort as it begins to cover me completely. I know no fear or concern. I only know this moment, this little piece of time that is all my own. And as it begins to cover my neck and work up my head I can see the night sky begin to darken. Its golden, crimson and violet light begins to fade to a soft glow and the stars come out to play. The moon’s sharp crescent hangs like a soft white mobile in the night sky. Like a mothers watchful eye it gazes down upon me. The air around me becomes cool and crisp as I breathe it into my lungs, reminding me of the moment I am in, reminding me that this is a world in which the present moment is most precious. Can anything be as good as this? Can anything begin to compare to the joy and love I feel as I sit on my mother earth, among her children at play and in this present moment? I lay back as the vines of love fully engulf me and take me into them. My eyes close but I can still see the world around me. I can feel it, hear it and smell it. The cool night air and the soft grass beneath me, the soft whistle of the wind brushing against the leaves in the trees and the grass on the ground, and sweet smell of summer, nature and everything around me. This world is within me. It is me. I am within this beautiful universe and it is within me. I sense everything at once and am overwhelmed with emotion. Tears of joy well up in my eyes and I burst out with laughter. I feel her touch and her warm hand. She is my love, my guide and my teacher. Mother earth and the universe are around me and they are my greatest inspiration and biggest source of love and joy. I honor them and thank them for giving me life. I love them back and keep them in my heart and mind for all eternity. We are one and together we are love. Friendship is joy, joy is love and love is happiness. Happiness grows all around me.
I am lying on my back on a grassy hill in a warm summer night. The sky is a deep dark blue as it turns to night from a golden dusk. The silence of the evening is only broken by the sound of my breath as I sigh with content. I close my eyes and wander the universe of my mind. Something tells me to open my eyes and as I look up I see the silhouette of a massive jet flying slowly overhead. Moving slowly and silently as if were suspended by wire, it follows its path over me. I watch it intently as my eyes track backwards till my head has to turn up to see it progress. And as I sit up to turn my head and look I notice the dark building a few feet away from me. It’s a large rectangular building of only about five stories in height. Dull light glows from inside its large paned windows but no one is inside. Like an empty school it has a sense of forgotten purpose, only there to be filled and emptied again. I stand up slowly to watch the craft fly over the school to the point where I am unable to see it anymore. I start to walk around the building so I can follow the airliner and as I walk through the silent night air I can feel the warm breeze hit my face and body. My skin breathes it in along with all of my other senses and it relaxes all of me. Again I close my eyes for a moment as I walk beside the dimly lit structure so as to feel ever wisp and every lick of summer night air against me. I couldn’t be more at ease in this world. And as I open my eyes once more near the corner of the building and round it I look up and catch what looks like a last glimpse of the plane disappearing into the dark night sky. The only light around anymore is a dull but pulsing glow of reddish-amber light coming up from the edge of the earth. Like a curved viewing deck on a skyscraper it extends out over the boundary. I walk towards it and reach out for the railing and as I touch it I feel a surge of energy course through me from my hand to my head and down through my heart into my stomach, legs and feet. Its heat and electricity cause my skin to tingle and my hairs to raise as if lightening were to strike. Sensing again the voice of the universe I listen closely. It whispers to me. And to that whisper I answer and look up into the night sky. It is then I see a faint glimmer of a star. Twinkling and glowing as it slowly falls. And as it descends it begins to grow larger and brighter, changing from a bright white to iridescent blue to a deep glowing purple and cycling back again. It breaks up into pieces and glitters down like fireworks with brilliant colors all around it. Changing from violet to orange to fiery red and all the while flashing with a brilliance that is unmatched in anything my human eyes have ever seen. I’m in awe. Its beauty and radiance is so hypnotizing that I could have been standing there watching for hours. Days and weeks even. But again this world has no time. No location or name. It is my dream. My world within my world. And as the light and energy slowly make their way down I can feel its heat pass by me and radiate all around me. The glow and pulse of the colors and light bouncing off and illuminate my face to reveal a comforted smile. I lean over the edge as far as I can to watch the trailing lights trickle down over the edge of the earth, its light blending and becoming one with the glow of red and orange emanating from below me. A sense of sadness begins to fill my heart as I realize that it will disappear any moment. But again the universe whispers to me. Softly and with a gentle voice it tells me to not be sad. All things come and go in our world but in the vast expanse of the galaxies and our universe nothing ever truly leaves us. It always was there and always will be. If not in our eyes, forever in our hearts, minds and imaginations. We as humans are blessed with the gift of memory and sensation. Two things that will always connect us with things we have lost. But they are not lost. They are with us. They always have and always will be.
Drops of cold water tap my cheek, running down my face, waking me from my dream. My eyes slowly open and I find myself alone. The silence and emptiness around me hugs me with cool neutral arms. I try to close my eyes again and return to my dream but I am too cold to sleep. The shivers in my body reminding me that I am still alive in a sickening way. I wish for more of my dream. It was such a wonderful dream. I was home and I was warm. I could float and I could see forever. Everything was beautiful with the glow of the love of the universe and I was a part of it. The energy coursed through me with ever step and moment that passed. But now I am awake again in this humble reality. It too is beautiful but it is so very different. So very real. Unlike my dream which is just that. A dream. Even in its warmth and comfort it is still just an intangible fantasy. And as my mind grows clearer and returns to real life I fully wake. I pull myself up and see the light. Quickly and suddenly the light fills the once dark void. I squint my eyes but I can soon see again. I see it all. All around me is what I know is real. My family. My friends. My happiness and courage. It never really left. It has always been there and always will be. The skies. The oceans. The universe. Always was, is and will be just as I always was, am and will be. Strong and full of meaning. Sacred and beautiful. Human.
Cold fingers of soulless boney hands rake down my spine as the hard, coarse edges of life dig into my heels like sharp pumice under my weight. To step forward or backwards is to revisit the pain and discomfort that being off-balanced and lost brings me. But I am merely human and to become stagnant with fear, regret and complacency is to welcome the moss and accept the the dry staleness of one dimensional comfort. To this I say nothing. I do. And I move forward.